Recognising gaslighting

Gaslighting can be really tricky to deal with because it often involves manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or reality.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person tries to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memory, or reality.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play and subsequent films called “Gas Light,” where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s going insane by making subtle changes in their environment and then denying that those changes occurred.

Key characteristics of gaslighting:

• Denial of facts – the gaslighter denies or dismisses the facts or events that occurred, insisting that they didn’t happen or that the other person is misremembering
• Contradiction – the gaslighter frequently contradicts the other person’s perceptions or memories, creating confusion and self-doubt. The aim of this is to control the victim
• Blame shifting – the gaslighter often blames the victim for the issues or conflicts, making them feel responsible for problems they did not cause
• Manipulation – the gaslighter uses deceitful tactics to manipulate the victim’s reality, often making them question their own sanity, confidence or judgement
• Undermining self-confidence – over time, gaslighting erodes the victim’s self-confidence and trust in their own perception, making them more dependent on the gaslighter for validation
• Isolation – the gaslighter might isolate the victim from their family and friends. This makes it harder for the victim to seek external validation or support, which strengthens the gaslighter’s control

Examples of gaslighting:

Gaslighting can manifest in various ways, often subtly and insidiously. Here are some examples across different contexts:

Personal relationships

• Denial of events: A partner repeatedly denies that they said or did something that the other person clearly remembers. For example, “I never told you I’d pick up the groceries,” even though the victim distinctly remembers the conversation.
• Blaming and accusations: If someone is late or forgets something, the gaslighter might say, “You always make excuses” or “You’re just trying to make me look bad,” shifting the blame onto the victim.
• Minimising feelings: When the victim expresses hurt or concern, the gaslighter might respond with, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive,” invalidating their emotions.

Family dynamics

• Invalidating memories: A parent might insist that a child’s memory of a past event is incorrect, saying, “That’s not how it happened,” even if the child’s recollection is accurate.
• Contradicting recollections: A family member might frequently contradict the victim’s account of past events, leading them to question their own memory and perception.
• Isolation: A parent might subtly undermine the victim’s relationships with friends or other family members by sowing seeds of doubt, such as, “They’re not really your friends; they don’t care about you.”

Workplace

• Denying actions: A manager might deny giving certain instructions or feedback, even when the employee remembers them clearly. For example, “I never told you to do that task.”
• Shifting blame: If a project fails, the gaslighting manager might say, “You’re the reason this failed,” even if the failure was due to systemic issues or poor leadership.
• Undermining competence: Colleagues or supervisors might make dismissive comments about an employee’s performance or decisions, like, “You’re not capable of handling this,” making the employee doubt their abilities.

Social Interactions

• Misleading information – a friend might intentionally provide incorrect information and then deny it later, saying, “I never said that. You must have misunderstood.”
• Emotional manipulation – a friend might manipulate emotions by saying, “You’re the one who always makes things difficult,” when the issue was actually caused by their own behaviour.
• Discrediting – a person might spread rumours or misinformation about someone and then act surprised when the victim confronts them, saying, “Why would you think I’d say that?”

Media and public discourse

• Distortion of facts – in many cases, media or public figures might distort facts or spread misinformation. When confronted, claim, “You’re not understanding the situation correctly.”
• Dismissing concerns – public figures or organisations might dismiss or belittle concerns raised by individuals, saying, “Your concerns are unfounded and exaggerated,” even when the concerns are valid.

Healthcare

• Dismissing symptoms – a medical professional might dismiss a patient’s symptoms or concerns by saying, “It’s all in your head,” or “You’re just imagining it,” when there are genuine health issues.
• Questioning competence – a medical professional might make a patient doubt their own understanding of their condition, saying, “You’re not interpreting your symptoms correctly.”

In all these examples, the common thread is that the gaslighter aims to make the victim doubt their own reality, perception, or memory, often to maintain control or avoid accountability. Recognising these behaviours is crucial for addressing and mitigating their impact.

The impact of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting, affecting various aspects of a person’s life. Here’s a detailed look at how gaslighting can affect someone:

Psychological Impact

• Self-doubt – victims often begin to question their own perceptions, memory, and judgement. This self-doubt can make them feel insecure about their own reality.
• Confusion – constant manipulation and denial of facts can lead to significant confusion and disorientation. Victims might struggle to discern what is real and what is not.
• Depression and anxiety – the emotional strain of gaslighting can contribute to mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Victims might feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or fearful.
• Reduced self-esteem – persistent undermining can erode a person’s self-confidence and self-worth. They might start to believe they are inadequate or incapable.
• Isolation – gaslighting often leads to social isolation. The victim may be cut off from friends and family, either by the gaslighter’s actions or by withdrawing from social connections due to the confusion and distress.

Behavioural impact

• Dependence – victims may become overly dependent on the gaslighter for validation and reassurance, feeling unable to trust their own judgement or make decisions without external approval.
• Avoidance – to avoid conflict or further manipulation, victims might avoid certain topics, activities, or even people, which can limit their social and personal growth.
• Difficulty trusting others – after experiencing gaslighting, victims might struggle to trust others, fearing that similar manipulation could occur in future relationships.

Relationships impact

• Strained relationships – relationships with friends, family, and colleagues can become strained as the victim might withdraw, act out, or have difficulty engaging in healthy interactions due to the effects of gaslighting.
• Conflict – victims might have difficulty engaging in constructive conflict resolution, as they may be unsure of their own perspectives or how to express their feelings effectively.

Cognitive impact

• Impaired memory – persistent gaslighting can lead to memory issues, where victims have trouble remembering events clearly or accurately, reinforcing the gaslighter’s claims that they’re misremembering.
• Difficulty concentrating – the mental exhaustion from gaslighting can make it hard to focus or concentrate on tasks, affecting work or daily activities.

Overall impact

• Long-term trauma – the effects of gaslighting can be long-lasting, potentially leading to trauma that affects a person’s mental health and interpersonal relationships well beyond the end of the gaslighting relationship.
• Increased vulnerability – victims may become more vulnerable to future abusive relationships or manipulative behaviour due to the erosion of their self-confidence and judgement.

Recognising the signs and impact of gaslighting is a crucial step in seeking help and working towards healing.

Support from friends, family, and mental health professionals can be invaluable in addressing and overcoming the effects of gaslighting.

Recognising gaslighting

• Trust your feelings – if you consistently feel confused, anxious, or like you’re questioning your own sanity, take these feelings seriously. Gaslighting often involves making you doubt your emotional responses.
• Document events – keep a record of conversations, events, and your feelings. This can help you track inconsistencies and verify your own perceptions.
• Check for patterns – notice if there’s a pattern of the person dismissing your thoughts, denying things they said or did, or blaming you for issues they create.
• Get external perspectives – talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences. They can offer an outside perspective and help validate your feelings.
• Evaluate reactions – gaslighters often react aggressively or defensively when you question them or assert your own reality. Notice if your inquiries or concerns are met with hostility or diversion.

Responding to gaslighting

• Set boundaries – clearly define what behaviour you will and won’t accept. Stick to these boundaries even if the gaslighter tries to push or ignore them.
• Use “I” statements – when discussing issues, use statements like “I feel…” or “I think…” to assert your perspective without sounding accusatory, which can help in maintaining clarity and reducing conflict.
• Seek professional support – a therapist or counsellor can help you navigate the situation and reinforce your sense of reality and self-worth.
• Limit interaction – if possible, reduce the time you spend with the gaslighter to protect your mental well-being. In extreme cases, it might be necessary to cut off contact altogether.
• Focus on facts – when engaging with a gaslighter, stick to objective facts rather than getting drawn into emotional arguments or justifications.
• Empower yourself – work on building your self-esteem and confidence. The stronger you feel in yourself, the less impact gaslighting will have on you.

Self-care and reflection

Self-care is crucial if you have experienced gaslighting. Self-care helps  rebuild self-esteem, maintain mental well-being and regain a sense of control. Here are some self-care strategies to consider:

Acknowledge and validate your feelings

• Recognise your emotions – allow yourself to feel and express your emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion. It’s important to acknowledge what you’re experiencing
• Affirm your reality – remind yourself that your perceptions and feelings are valid. Trusting your own experience is a key step in counteracting the effects of gaslighting

Seek professional support

• Therapy – consider working with a therapist or counsellor who can help you process your experiences, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop strategies for coping with the effects of gaslighting
• Support groups – join a support group for people who have experienced similar situations to provide comfort, validation, and practical advice

Establish Boundaries:

• Set boundaries -clearly define the behaviour you will and won’t accept. Communicate these boundaries to others if necessary and enforce them to protect your mental health
• Distance yourself: – if possible, limit or cut off contact with those who continue to engage in gaslighting behaviour. Protect yourself from further manipulation

Build a support network

• Connect with trusted friends – reach out to friends, family or others who can provide emotional support and a reality check. They can offer a different perspective and validate your experiences
• Communicate openly – share your feelings and experiences with trusted people to help reinforce your sense of reality and gain support

Practice self-compassion

• Be kind to yourself – treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Acknowledge it’s not your fault you experienced gaslighting
• Self-affirmation – engage in positive self-talk and affirmations to boost your self-esteem and counteract negative self-beliefs.

Engage in positive activities

• Hobbies and interests – spend time doing activities you enjoy and which make you feel good about yourself. Engaging in hobbies can help restore your sense of self and provide a positive outlet.
• Physical exercise – regular exercise can improve your mood, reduce stress, and enhance your overall well-being.

Maintain a journal

• Document your thoughts and experiences – keeping a journal can help you track your feelings and help you remember your experiences more accurately. A journal can help you recognise other people’s patterns of behaviour. This can be useful to reinforce your reality and validate your experiences

Educate yourself

• Learn about gaslighting – understanding the tactics and effects of gaslighting can help you recognise it more clearly and empower you to address it effectively.
• Self-help resources – read books or articles about recovering from psychological manipulation and building self-esteem.

Prioritise your well-being

• Sleep and nutrition – ensure you’re getting adequate sleep and eating a balanced diet. Good physical health supports mental health and resilience
• Mindfulness and relaxation – practice mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation techniques to reduce stress and enhance your emotional resilience

Seek legal or professional advice

• Legal protection if gaslighting occurs in the workplace or other similar situations, seeking legal advice may be necessary to address the behaviour and safeguard your rights

Self-care involves recognising the impact of gaslighting on your life and taking proactive steps to support your mental and emotional health.

By prioritising your well-being and seeking appropriate support, you can begin to heal and regain your sense of self.

Last reviewed and updated: 21 August 2024