Are you emotionally unavailable

Emotionally unavailable people keep others at an emotional distance. They don’t want to connect deeply with anyone. They rarely get emotionally vulnerable with anyone and if they do, they will panic and run.

Emotional unavailability defined

Emotionally unavailability means you find it very difficult to connect deeply with others. You prefer to keep people at a distance. You don’t share your deepest emotions with others. Basically it scares you to get close to people.

Being emotionally unavailable means you engage in toxic relationship patterns. This could be with family, friends or loved ones (or all). Emotional unavailability is an unhealthy pattern of behaviour.

While there are levels of emotional unavailability, from mild to serious, it is still an unhealthy pattern.

Sometimes emotional unavailability can be due to just ending a relationship and not being ready for the next one. Breakups take time to heal from. So give yourself a chance to heal.

How to spot emotional unavailability.

1. You are commitment phobic
   You don’t want commitment or labels with a new partner as you fear long term entanglements. You won’t even make plans for the weekend, nevertheless for weeks or months ahead. You want to keep all your options open because you don’t know if this is the right person for you. So you stay uncommitted and neutral.
2. You struggle to discuss your feelings
   You want all conversations to stay on the surface level emotionally. You avoid anything that may get too deep. So you keep everything fun and lighthearted. This is one of the reasons you easily find new partners. They see you as this charismatic, fun and engaging person who can make others happy. They don’t realise this is how it will stay with you for the duration of your relationship with them.
3. You don’t ask others about their feelings
   Because you want things to be on a surface level emotionally, you don’t ask your partner about their feelings. And you shut them down if they start talking about emotional things. Or you get very emotionally distant. Or you get very busy. Or you distract your partner. Or you get unreasonably upset. Whatever method you choose, you do it so your partner stops talking about anything on a deep emotional level.
4. You don’t know what you want in a relationship
   You are not prepared to get serious with anyone as you really don’t know what you want in a relationship. Because you struggle to feel your deep emotions, you can’t articulate what you want to others or to yourself. You purposely stay vague when your partner asks you about your intentions. You will avoid that conversation at all costs. You also give your partner very mixed messages. You want to get physically close to them but you don’t want to get emotionally close. This is confusing and mirrors your lack of clarity about what you want.
5. You don’t trust anyone
   Your deep seated fear of getting hurt means you don’t trust anyone. Maybe someone hurt you a long time ago. Maybe it was a partner leaving, abusing or neglecting you. Maybe it was a serious partner who abused you, or left you. This could be part of the reason you are emotionally unavailable. These traumatic situations can cause someone to feel a deep lack of trust in others. In new relationships you can accuse the other person of not being trustworthy, even if they didn’t do anything to elicit this reaction.
6. The other person does all the work in a relationship
   You are really inconsistent in relationships. You put in effort in haphazard ways. Some days you’re all in and acting all lovey-dovey, other days you can’t be bothered. Your partner is always the one who is suggesting things to do, see each other. You don’t make as much effort. The lack of effort from you is toxic. It means your partner will always run after you, which in turn makes you more distant and cool.
7. You’ve never had any long term serious relationships
   One huge red flag of an emotionally unavailable person is the lack of serious relationships. If you only have casual flings, short term dalliances that last weeks or months, you are emotionally unavailable. Even if the other person is at fault, you are still choosing them. This doesn’t apply if you’re part of a culture which frowns upon relationships and only has set up marriages.
8. You tell your partners you aren’t ready for a relationship
   You may have just ended a relationship or you’re just so closed off in general. You will tell partners at the start that you aren’t ready for a relationship. This is so when they try to get close to you and you leave them, you can tell them you warned them at the start. This is a very disingenuous way to behave as it sets up every relationship for failure.
9. You don’t introduce your partner to your friends or family
   You will not take your partner anywhere where your friends or family are at. You might tell your partner you are going to see friends or family but you will never invite them. This is because you don’t know if you really like your partner and don’t know if the relationship has a future.
10. You often ghost people 
    If a partner tries to get too close to you, you will ghost them. You’ll first act really distant and be too busy to accept their calls or texts. Then you will just completely ghost them. You block them on everything. And you never tell them what they did. This creates trauma in other people, as many can’t let got of this rejection.

Last reviewed and updated: 15 July 2024