The basics of emotionally unavailable men
The emotionally unavailable man is one who cannot (or will not) commit emotionally to any woman, no matter who she is.
Traits of the emotionally unavailable man
- He will not allow himself to get emotionally attached to any woman
- He may be dating several women at the same time as you
- He may say he is committed to you, but his actions will say otherwise
- He will usually be unreliable with dates – missing them entirely, or always being late
- He may be secretive when he receives phone calls or sms’s
- He has many female “friends”, who may not really be platonic friends at all
- He may not let you meet his friends or family
- He may avoid talking about commitment or taking the relationship to the next level (commitment)
- He has only recently separated from his previous partner
- He is already married (irrespective of what he says about his relationship)
- He still lives with an ex partner
- He lets you know he is not over his ex partner (either directly or indirectly)
- He often mentions his ex partner in many conversations
- He shares his bed with a female friend he claims is “just a friend”
- He leaves very soon after you have slept together
- He only shows some emotion when you sleep together, but very little otherwise
- He may try to get physically intimate on your first date
- He will not come to your place until late in the evening, after he has had a night out with his “friends”
- He mainly communicates with you through text messages, email and IM (instant messaging through the internet or mobile phone)
- He often does not answer your calls and/or not returns your calls for days at a time, without any explanation
- He rarely makes definite plans for dates with you
- He cancels plans with you at the last minute
- He doesn’t call you when he says he will call
- He does not behave like he is your boyfriend when you are together, not holding your hand and not being very affectionate and often not even walking close by you
- He lets you know he is dating other women
- He does not let you meet his family or friends
- He is not willing to becomes a part of your life, often making excuses about not wanting to meet your family and/or friends
- He never calls you his “girlfriend”, “partner” or “significant other” if he ever introduces you to someone (he may just say you are his “friend”)
- He controls the relationship – when he sees you, the amount of time you spend together and the frequency and duration of contact and phone calls
You can’t change an emotionally unavailable man
It is not right (or healthy for you) to think that you have what it takes to change him. If you are strongly attached to men who are emotionally unavailable, you are only setting yourself up for a great deal of pain and disappointment. This man cannot give you what you want in a relationship, especially if you want commitment, as he does not.
How do you deal with an emotionally unavailable man?
- One – you need to let him know what you want in the relationship, whether this is commitment, marriage, living together or whatever else you want to make you happy and secure in the relationship and and ask him if he is willing and open to this future with you
- Two – you need to really listen to his response to you because that will let you know if he can make it work
- Three – if he lets you know he cannot provide you with what you want in a relationship, you need to put some distance between yourself and your emotionally unavailable man. You need to take your mind off him by engaging in other parts of your life – spend more time with friends and family, learn a new skill, practice the activities and hobbies which make you happy
If your emotionally unavailable man tries to connect with you again, you need to be strong and make sure you let him know that if he cannot even try to work on giving you what you want, then there is very little point in getting back together.
Sometimes the distance will work in making some emotionally unavailable men into realising that maybe he needs to work on his issues and reconsidering the importance of the relationship and to get you back in his life. But don’t count on it. The likelihood is he’ll just move onto another victim.
Let go of the emotionally unavailable man
An emotionally unavailable man will only make you unhappy if what you want is a committed relationship.
When you meet a man, ensure you know who he is and whether or not he can give you the type of relationship you want before you allow yourself to get emotionally invested in him or the relationship.
No matter what you do (or do not do), you cannot change him and by trying to do so, you are only going to cause yourself a great deal of heartache and pain, which you do not need.
If you want an emotionally committed relationship, steer clear of the emotionally unavailable man.
Last reviewed and updated: 15 July 2024
